100. earthquake
heart, beats. fingers, wiggle. eyes, wet. stomach, gaseous. neck, stiffened. arms, leadened. toes, still. heart, beats.
my bed shook me awake in the middle of the night. i clung to the sides and braced. i clenched my teeth, grinding them in close secret like a boy pulling a plug. too bad the house didn't collapse, taking me away. i kid, halfheartedly. i've never felt the earth beneath me move before. i've never felt the world beneath me shift, plates sliding roughly like abrasive sand paper. what would have happened if that was indeed the end?
well, i froze at 2:36 AM. i froze, reserving every twitch or muscle as if the invisible monster lurking in the back of my closet creeped out of the door. in those few seconds, i waited for someone to laugh.
i wait for someone to laugh still. i live to laugh and to cry. i live to laugh while crying. maybe i would have been pummeled if there was a serious earthquake, one that shakes each glass and plate off the shelves to the ground, shattering them with such an unforgiving impartiality. if that happened, i may be the first to die.
that's just one story i like to tell myself. but in reality, i learned that there's more parts to myself than what i let myself realize. there's more parts to myself than what i let myself embrace. two things can exist at once. so i might survive. maybe in an excruciating episode and loss, maybe unscathed. maybe i'm the last to remain in this house of four, even in this whole block. i don't know.
but if i can find a moment and a way to laugh while crying about it, then i'll get by. today was an exhausting day. today i was rather melancholic and depressed and lonely from morning to evening. i don't know where i'm going with this, but i suppose i'm just astounded -- SHELLSHOCKED -- by the earthquake, the movie, the book, and the dreams i've had lately. and i don't know what else to do but to write with all my heart and soul, playing the songs of every soul that's passed by this little plot of land before me since i am no where else but here tonight.
so here. take this. whatever this is. and let us edit our words together, one by one.