30. writers residency day 5
man am i happy to finally see the end. end of this first part of this long ass process of applying to medical school which to be honest i don' even know if i want to really go to.
the end is coming. and it couldn't be better. it couldn't be more beautiful to feel the end.
i can't wait to be working part-time, then full-time with consistent income. paycheck every 3 weeks so i can actually eat out without feeling guilty and terrible about indulging myself. to afford me some acting classes and a headshot. to afford me some time after work to go after the things i really care about. i mean, seeing patients and all is great but it's just. not acting. not writing. it's its own thing. i just seriously can't wait to get into that rhythm of day job counseling, night work acting. part of me wishes that season of life could come right now. mostly so i could eat out without terrorizing myself over going even more over budget for the month, leading me to take even more from my savings.
i just wish i didnt have to worry about if i'm eating out or eating at home. i didn't have to stomach this terrible pellet of feeling guilty, spoiled, fat yet hungry.
so yeah overall i'm doing pretty fine. i wish i could say more about how i'm feeling, the highs and the lows, with my parents. i mean, nothing's stopping me. nothing's stopping me from hitting up my brother either. or my grandmas. and fuck that too, from hitting up my friends on facetime on the other side of the country.
yet i don't do any of that. i guess i kind of keep myself from being connected to the close people who make up who i am. i still do feel like a storm inside. the storm has subsided to a light sandstorm in the background. but it still kind of feels like i'm stomaching a stormy void day in and day out.
i'm glad i'm acknowledging it though. props to me for doing that. not many people do this work of introspection. for me it doesn't feel like work. it just feels like i'm doing what i do. ponder. constantly. it becomes a curse, torturous.
i want to get better at controlling the switches on that. the different modes and faces of shine.
wanduffle