32. poke burrito
it's funny how times change yet some things just remain even more constant. something glimmers in my eyes when i see something i want to taste. something glimmers in my eyes when i see water.
i still feel lost. lost, compass awry and searching, GPS recalculating. recalculating. recalculating. beep. it's about a sense of purpose, and also something a little more than that. i don't really know what. it feels a little silly to say i feel down and troubled having to deal with adulting out of college and out of my parents' home, applying to med school, and wanting to be an actor as my "true dream" through all of this. out of those three, people only seem to take the 2nd one seriously. and even then, people don't seem to really understand the process, not even people close to me like my parents or friends. and when you try to explain, you end up confusing yourself along the way too. certain things are more "acceptable" to be troubling and painful. to cause pain. i don't like that. what is pain? it's just an experience of feeling hurt. something unpleasant, something wrong. well, anything can feel wrong to anyone. we just gotta work with what's relative to them, don't we? that's the whole point of being human?
and let's not forget, i've already lived multiple past lives in one lifetime. i once lived the life of an american child growing up in catholic school in the suburbs of north bergen county, new jersey. mom and dad had their second son in the states after immigrating here. i once lived the life of a serious concert violinist, auditioning for youth orchestras and receiving intensive training from world-acclaimed instructors and masterclasses. i once lived the life of a korean middle schooler growing up on the green turfs of soccer fields in seoul, exchanging words and bumping bodies, shoving and falling to the ground with other korean boys. i once lived the life of an american amateur city biker and weightlifter in downtown washington, dc.
it's all a blur, smeared together in a college.
i'm lost, because these lives come and go, returning and leaving as the seasons change, bringing about new characters in my life. some recurring, some new, some old, some never-lasting until they return again. it's like the old shakespeare line.
it's wonderful i get to pick up new things, re-invent myself constantly. in 5 years, i'd love to be a young man who drums, draws and teaches creative writing. i'd also love to be a man who steps onto the stage and echoes out to the back of the theater.
now that's a lot of "i" statements. a little too many "i" statements. why don't i try thinking less in terms of "i"?
wanduffle