35. sacrifices
i sacrificed quality time with my body at the gym today. i sacrificed quality time with myself at the AMC theater tonight. i sacrificed quality time with my dinner tonight. i even sacrificed my sperm.
but look, i'm almost done. truly. tomorrow i'm going to hear back from two more readers and i'm going to print my application and review it myself. and thursday i'm going to sit back and not think about the application. friday, finally, before i leave, i'm going to submit while i wait in SFO. how fitting.
i want this whole thing to be over. at least for the time being. i know it's not over until it's over. but i want to finally turn the page to this stage.
i'm still tired these days. it seems like the only time i wasn't tired and didn't just want to spend the entire day at home doing nothing but watch a movie and eat ramen and wine was when i was in the classroom acting with the students. but man is work still work. work is work. something to put my energy into to rake in the bills. something that must be done, something that i am obligated to show up to, even if i suddenly don't feel like it.
i wish i had something like jasc to look forward to. oh wait a minute, i do. i'm going to korea in a few days. but still, i remember two years ago the thrill of going to jasc. the thrill of traveling abroad for myself. i want this trip to be for myself, even if i'm going for my mom's birthday. so be it. i will make it my own trip. yeah?
and that's the motto i feel is creeping up to me again. a motto of reconnecting with myself. i've been moving in spirals. and with good motion too. but it feels like i'm a little out of orbit. what do i even mean by that? well, i guess i just want to slow things down. i want to do less. less is more.
wanduffle