44. down bad
there's one thing i would not wish another man or woman to be feeling right now. well, i guess there's a lot of things one might not wish another to feel. hunger from poverty and scarcity is one. brutalizing pain from torture is another. but that's not one i'm talking about. i'm talking about another part of the human soul: the heart. when it aches. when it longs. when it craves. craving filling.
i'm down bad for this one girl, isabella, who i matched with on hinge. and i just get sucked in more and more like a whirlpool, only it's quicksand. spiraling into a hole of quicksand. time does its thing as always, but accepting that feels so... passive.
i don't want to be passive. i want to seize. i want to majestically discover and conquer and rescue and shine. i want to be the hero of my story, the story that i don't even know where it climaxes and where it ebbs and dips and flows. well, i do know that it flows. i'm reaching a point of reflection right now, and it's so damn hard to reflect without reaching for something to hold and grab, like a pacifier.
i do feel like a baby. i want what i want and i want it now. NOW. baby speaking.
and that's okay, honestly. baby's needs. to feel seen and heard and held and noticed. well, of course. i get to fantasize.
oh my god, it's scary how you lose control over your mind about the things you want, want bad, so bad, bad till the bone and till the rocks of your core. tantalizing.
let's try to regain control over what we can control.