63. 140 cal per cup of shrimp crackers
when you start counting calories again, when you start to track your meals and their nutritional content, you lose sight of everything that happened before. it's just it in the here and now. become a historian. become a record-keeper. just do it. what did i eat? what was it? the specific type of yogurt and multi-grain bread?
i mean, i am what i eat. i'm 500 calories or so over my daily recommended intake based on my goal of wanting to lose fat. it's a hard goal for myself. i've already set myself back a bit by the 3 glasses of cabernet sauvignon i poured for myself tonight while watching david lynch's 1984 film dune.
by the way, maybe i'm not much of a cinephile after all. i count my steps, analyze my daily nutrients, and read along with the subtitles in the 1984 movie with an all-white cast.
or, maybe we're coming to understand a new kind of cinephile. cinephile, someone who lives cinema. why must this be the only thing that defines the person? why must we know someone in just one way?
that's the thing that i wish were different in our world. i wish we could just take the time to understand one another. a true conversation. then, i think we would have less misunderstandings and more agreements. and when we do come to an impasse, a conflict of interests, then at least we understand where we're coming from.
i always thought that communication skills were silly. but what is communication? communication is the way in which we make contact with one another. it's the method in which we connect with others, sharing information, things that we gathered and stored and prepared to disseminate.
i wish i could be like doctor strange. i wish i could glimpse into every possible universe in the multiverse, previewing what would happen if i or he or she or they or it made that decision and not this one. it would change everything. maybe i'd be living paycheck to paycheck with just me alone. maybe i'd be an apprentice in some traditional and established guild. maybe i'd be just a face in a group of 160 faces of graduate school students. maybe i'd remain at home with a mother and grandma, navigating care and home and reality.
the thing is, i really don't know. i don't know anything, really. i really just know what i can store and regurgitate, which really is confined to the occasional philosophical question and observation here and there.
what does it mean to live a life without regrets? well, what is regret? regret, for me, is a type of fuel. it's not the only type of fuel, but it definitely is one type of fuel. it's a moment and opportunity for reflection and growth.