73. i'm gonna BURST!
one day i'm gonna find myself in the cafe with a cup of coffee and my notebook, writing on my substack, writing in a word document. maybe it'll be in the inner sunset, maybe it'll be in haight ashbury. maybe it'll be in san diego, maybe it'll be in portland. maybe it'll be in the southside of chicago, maybe it'll be in montclair. maybe it'll be in a bar in nashville, maybe it'll be in a hotel in las vegas. maybe it'll be on a farm in new hampshire, maybe it'll be in a cabin in maine, maybe it'll be in a brick and mortar house in boston.
the day will be here sooner than i can imagine. and when that fateful day comes, oh how i will relish it. i'll smile wide and chuckle. i'm a young man in the usa. i'm a writer, i'm an actor, i'm a student doctor. many faces, huh?
i liked myself today. i enjoyed my own company. truly. there's no other way that i, (_____ _____ ___), would have wanted to spend the day. and you know what the crazily funny and magical and wonderful and religiously amazing thing is? i decided to live this day. i made decisions.
$8 coffee named after the hoboken representative star instead of the $10.90 jack daniel's.
a 10 minute walk home along irving st instead of the muni.
3-minute microwaved leftovers from cafe ethiopia instead of a sandwich or bibimbap at art's cafe.
10 lbs heavier on the deadlift instead of keeping the weight. pushing it to 10 reps. realizing i need help with my form.
quitting the incline press and spending the last 5 minutes before closing time on a medicine ball in front of the mirror, stretching, instead of pushing through the painful tightness in my right hip flexor. listening to my body and following what it says.
entering the gallery. instead of walking right past. listening to my mind, piqued in all its curiosity and wonder.
shaking the man's hand firmly. giving compliments like i mean it. because i mean it. being pleased, telling people i feel pleased to be with them. instead of pleasing. hugging back, gently yet tightly. squeezing, enough slightly.
politely declining an invitation in appreciation for the regard instead of ghosting or misleading. communicating clearly and respecting my own company in my own neighborhood, enjoying the time i get to connect with myself and my home.
dining in instead of taking out. sitting by the window with my poke bowl and plastic cup of wine brought from the reception. watching the people pass me by. some of them look at the window, some of them look through.
refusing to compromise plans for movie night with the group instead of submitting, appeasing, for a girl. and for that matter, a girl. not a woman, a woman here before me.
completing the book instead of keeping it by the bedstand. seizing the afternoon to read. to really read, in broad daylight, feeling the dewy breeze of the sunset blow through the rectangular window.
showering without the speaker and spotify. just me, the silky coconut shampoo and conditioner i love and the steamy plain beige wall.
cherry tomatoes, buckwheat tea and wheaties under a blue and gold blanket instead of microwaved pizza rolls and a beer.
when i felt judged, shamed and invalidated, i saw myself. i gave myself compassion and felt seen. when i felt like a failure for an exercise at this point routine, i listened to myself. my body. i gave myself compassion and warmth and felt heard.
from 9:30 AM to 1:40 AM, it was 16 hours of feeling alive and awake. how lucky and fortunate am i to live another day, choosing health and wealth.