90. my fucking feelings, by me
i hate hate hate hate hate hate applying to medical school. today, tonight, whatever this liminal space is at 3:36:19 AM on Saturday, it sucks. it sucks. it's just. nauseatingly horrible. it's a sticky back, languid eyelids, hips that feel like they're sinking into ulcers. hungry, bloated, want to rip my body apart. blackpink blackpink blackpink. jump jump jump. i just want to bound out of this shirt and rip it apart. i'm sick of writing. sick of pretending. sick of drafting another essay for another school i have to dream. about. since when were dreams something you had to do? had to do. have to do. so many fucking tasks and essays and applications, so many fucking dollar bills out of my pocket to pay for this. and yes, i am paying for this, i want to. because i said i would. i hate that i have to put things neatly into this essay, i hate that i have to make something i don't care about look neat. digestible. i'm making a course meal out of food i'd rather just shove down the mouths of all those white coated people on the admissions committee. the decision-makers. the ethical, smart, high-profile, dignified, rational decision-makers. i have two words for you. fuck you. who's got the nerve to vandalize a medical school? dare i say, a hospital? let me be the first, then. i do love to wield fire. push through, push through, my mind tells me. fuck you, fuck you, i say. fuck, fuck, fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. FUCK. i'm halfway, and here's where i feel like i'm in an absolute fuckfestival. jsut fuck me. someone hand me a sand bag to punch. i'm itching to pick up a fight. i'm itching to scream and shout. my arm is twitching, fuck.
so that's what it feels like to apply to medical school at 3:43 AM on a saturday.