24. a leather jacket and subway sandwiches
when i wear my black leather jacket from all saints, i feel like a badass. a badass that could swing a crowbar around as he saunters down the street. a slick antihero who's escaped jail and rebuilt his life from a faked identity and is now waiting whipping out his ipod nano with white earbuds to plug in as he struts across a bridge. i guess the thing we don't really see in these scenes is the moments the ipod slips from his hand as he's swinging it around and he accidentally drops it over the bridge, landing on a car roof with a thud.
today, when i wore it, i felt like i pretended, real good. that it's going to be okay. that i'll finish in time. that i'm doing fine. that life is alright. that i'm not just hanging in there, but i'm actually climbing a ladder, a ladder that isn't even vertical. i'm crawling this ladder, a draft passing from me from below and the sun shining on my back. crawling.
it felt right that i got my 6" from subway on a multigrain bread with rotisserie chicken and mayo and roasted garlic aioli while wearing that jacket. it just did. today, it just did. and it just felt right that i walked down to subway and that they misheard me and put my little 6" in a bag. excuse me, little isn't the right word to use there.
the $10 worth of a 6" feels right for a lunch in a library in front of a computer. it feels right for a day where i walked into the office for my onboarding documents and walked out in just 15 minutes. it feels right for a day that i flaked on my friends for a trip to napa. it feels right for a day that i just don't want to hear myself talk yet i still do because i just can't help it. and i just can't help saying what i do to people in the way i say it.
sometimes i do things and say things that feel awful for no good reason at all. it's not even a shameful action. what's there to be embarrassed about for texting your friend who you secretly have a growing crush on about the low-resolution quality pictures you sent through imessage? how about when you hear yourself talk in a recording and would rather chuck the photo out the window then hear another word leave your mouth because you literally have no idea what is coming out of your mouth, even though you know you've always been a fast talker.
after feeling awful, there's always a reminder that i hear in my mind. which is good. that's an important step in growth. hey, let's take a breath. hey, let's pause. hey, what is really likely to happen? hey, what can i control? i do feel like a wise mind when that reminder enters the room. and then before i know it i'm descending into a pit again.
i don't like being in a pit. sometimes my thoughts feel like a pit. if i could choose between remembering everything i ever said and forgetting everything i'll ever say, then, well, what would i choose? um. i guess that's a tricky question. it depends on if i drank soda that day. it depends on how quenched i am of my daily thirst.
daily thirst. daily thirst. daily thirst.
you know the best feeling ever that i felt this week? feeling seen. feeling like i'm in an ICU. i see you.
wanduffle