12. cherries, jalen brunson and happiness
"are you happy with your score?" someone asked me. i was about to say yes. and then i was about to say i'm content, or something else that took the round about route to an answer. and then the words left my mouth. "no. no, i'm not happy with my score. i aimed higher." "are you going to take it again?" "no. i'm content enough to not take it again. i'm content enough to sit with my unhappiness."
we were talking about my mcat score. now, i think i can replace "it" with a lot of other things.
no, i'm not happy that i got a 515 on the mcat instead of a 518. no, i'm not happy that i didn't seize the moment to talk to that radiologist walking out with me from the artisan guild event at mission bay this afternoon. no, i'm not happy that i want more cherries after finishing the 10 or so that i packed in a ziplock bag to eat on the shuttle. no, i'm not happy that the girl i was messaging on hinge ghosted me after we started making plans for our first date for coffee and a book shop.
i don't want to lie about any of that shit. none of these things makes me happy. and that's totally fine and simple. like, ok! so i'm not happy, that's ok! at least i know now that it's simply not a state of happiness that i'm experiencing.
what i do feel like i'm reaching towards is a state of contentment. i'm content that i still gave it my all and studied hard to get a good score on the mcat. i'm content that i still talked to people in general at the artisan fair (whatever the heck it was) and expanded my social network here at ucsf. i'm content that i even have cherries, sweet cherries, to eat. it feels good to eat fruit, fruit that i know where they came from. i'm content that i made conversation on hinge with someone who i found hot and interesting. i started talking to someone new tonight and she seems hot and interesting too.
it's the kind of momentous feeling of oh. oh yeah. i'm happy. right now, i feel good. i feel lifted. i'm smiling. happiness is a cat that doesn't like to be coaxed. she's a cat that will come to you while you mind your own business.
jalen brunson is carrying the knicks to newfound redemption and history this playoffs. i texted my hometown friend before entering the hot steamy shower. he's the type of friend where i feel comfortable texting in all caps. he's an all-caps friend.
i felt light today.
wanduffle