23. i just don't want you to go
damn it i need to blog so bad. there's moments sprinkled throughout the day when i just stop and realize i need to be typing away on a keyboard, blogging away. blogging away to no one at the same time as to everyone. the world. is anyone out there? tell me, does it go up from here? or does it go down? does it at least get more interesting? is this interesting? what is my life right now? can someone explain my life for me? no, scratch that. why do i need an explanation for life? do i talk too much? to myself? how long will i have to hear my own voice? am i going to be the last voice i hear in my last moments before i die?
i binged the last 6 episodes of season 5 of bojack horseman. where princess carolyn gets a lead on her personal project of adopting a baby and becoming a mom. where diane and mr peanutbutter rattle out old residues of their marriage. where bojack and diane reach a sore bitterness of truth in their friendship, one of a cry for help. where bojack stars as a detective, gets into a car accident, survives a near death accident from a building motorcycle stunt, and delivers a eulogy for his mom. it's 3:00 AM on a tuesday and i want to watch the last season. i stopped at the last season.
i'm drooling to consume the final 12 episodes of this beautiful show. it's like porn. i just want to see it. i just want to see it. i just want to see it. it's an itch i just find myself scratching. it's the nails that i just find myself picking and trying to stop.
i'm also devastatingly scared and sad that this show is coming to an end. that the first time i watch this show is now nearing its end. i'm sad. bojack horseman let me see me. in the same way that beef and neon genesis evangelion did.
days blur. the past four months, from jan to feb to march to april and now, to may. it's a smear.
more poetry. more photos. more music. writing. healing. acting. more swimming. more walking. more hooping.
that's how i see my life summed up these days.
days blur. it feels like the orange tinted thick rimmed glasses i wear since the day i spent the $12 at Buffalo's thrift store in the mission thanks to my hinge date "jessica." days kind of feel like a constantly moving frame. and i'm looking through the frame, then i'm looking out, then back through the frame. am i trying to keep up with the moving frame? or is the frame keeping up with me? we're figuring things out.
i feel like i'm graduating over and over again, the past five days. back to berkeley and back to sf. bart rides to and back, muni rides to and back.
i'm working on this project that i call myself. here's an example: this past saturday night after coming back from berkeley i immediately got my bike from the garage and rode it all the way down to ocean beach, following the setting sun. the wind was ferocious. sand picked up and whirled into my eye. my plan was to drink my $20 red wine (a step up, i know) and saewookkang and gim and ojingo-po in a dimple of my choosing in the long sandy canvas touching the waves. scratched that. it wasn't the night. and it turned out bikes aren't allowed on the Muni. so i popped the last of my edibles and walked all the way from ocean beach to 6th street while walking my bike. that's how i spent my saturday night.
that's the kind of lonesome nights i'd be spending usually during the week if it weren't for these berkeley trips. i kind of missed it too.
i'm sad to see the end of bojack horseman. i'm sad to see these people leave me. maybe not because i would have done differently, tried to invest more in the relationship. more so because now i know can't. it's funny, we'll meet again soon. and there's also other shows to watch, other books to read. other friends to play with, girls to meet. yet still. i just don't want you to go. just not yet.
how is it already may 20?
time's arrow moves forward. and i'm dangling, holding onto its tail as it soars through the air to its next target.
wanduffle