13. overactive mind
blogging, blogging, blogging. if there's what thing i know i love, it's blogging. it's just pure writing, writing in a public journal however i want. it's just free the way no one is really watching, or at least just enough where i'm not living under the gaze of 400 people.
the thing with me is that i have an overactive mind. so many ideas. i wake up and my mind just starts churning, running with thoughts and a voice. that's me. well, it's a part of me. hello.
so many things i want to do, so many things i like doing, so many talents i have. it's a little terrifying how many possibilities there are, the doors that constantly swing open and close every single day.
i miss having routine. i'm a routine man kind of guy. at least in the morning and evening. i don't really know what happens in the middle. editing, emails, writing, emails, acting, emails, hooping and walking and lifting, emails, shadowing, emails.
there's so many characters and identities i want to play in this life. it should bring me comfort to believe in an afterlife, the system of past lives and future lives and karma. all that spiritual stuff. returning to God for eternal life type stuff. and to be fair, i don't understand a lot of it. but something doesn't feel true. why must i give up my lust for life, this teeming desire and curiosity to want to try and succeed and thrive in so many different callings? well, i guess the devil beleaguers us with choices.
i don't really remember "calling" moments in my early life right now. but i have feel called, tugged, rather, in the past year. called to try improv. called to sit in my chair and study for the mcat again. called to blog. called to join the banquet for my fellowship tonight that i didn't realize was happening until my friend told me about it. called to choose this house. called to yeah i don't freaking know.
some days i want to be a writer. some days i want to be an actor. some days i want to be a psychiatrist. some days i want to be a radiologist. some days i want to pick up dancing. some days i want to pick up paddling.
how do we choose? how do i choose?
chat-gpt only helps me get so far.
wanduffle